Free from Barriers...

"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."
- William S. Burroughs



Something begun to stir inside of me, it isn't anger, hatred, or nefarious. But a hunger, a focused desire so to speak. For the month of July, I've been consumed by a transformation within myself, a desire to escape. In April, I realized that I had indeed "settled" in my life, I had become very content with being unhappy, miserable, isolated, and lonely. As though I lived in a prison, and that I had no real meaning, purpose, or dreams. I tried setting up goals for myself, but just writing them down wasn't enough. And simply doing them wasn't enough, because there was no burning within myself. There was no hunger, focus, desire, or even emotions... I just treated my goals like they were functions, it felt mundane and meaningless. I needed something else to burn within me, and then I realized maybe I wasn't mad enough... I wasn't mad at the barriers that kept me trapped and hidden from the world. I wasn't trying to escape my situation, I was simply trying to adapt to it, or pretend I had no other choices.

Have you ever seen the difference between a caged animal and a free animal? You can see things differently based on how they act, react to situations, even how they look at people. But more than that, the caged animals look angrier and more prone to just attacking at anything and anyone. While the free animals are more relaxed, not as violent or angry, and they have hope. The same analogy can be used for humans who are in prison or free.

It doesn't seem right that I should view myself as a caged lion... but I do. It's not something I take pride in visualizing, but it does help me to recognize my position in life. That in order for the opportunity of change to take place, I have to start focusing on being free. I have to start acting like someone that wants to be free and doing things that free people do. And that approach can be attached to anything in my life. And thinking about escaping and actually wanting to escape are two different things. In order to be free, I have to find a way to be intense, focused, powerful, and fierce. I have to make a stand and put my foot down on the issues within my life that are making me unhappy. Things will never change if I don't start changing the way I see things, and the way I live. But also, I have to be willing to no longer compromise on the issues that will make me happier, I've tried compromising in the past, but it just makes me feel more trapped.