I Am... What I am...

I am Bipolar... I was diagnosed with this illness 2 yrs ago. But I only recently made the conscious decision to accept that I have a Mental Illness. It hasn't been easy or even a journey of self-discovery. In fact, I've been in denial so long that my life has been headed towards a downward spiral of chaos and self-destruction. I'm trying to fight for myself these days, working on ways to keep my mood stable and my thoughts peaceful. Currently, I'm trying to work on establishing a support group for myself. I just want to get better, or at least learn how to manage my illness, because I know now that I can't control it.

Absolute

... "Absolute honesty isn't always the most diplomatic nor the safest form of communication with emotional beings." - TARS (Interstellar)

I'm trying a new approach in my life, in which I'm completely honest about my feelings and thoughts. I don't have to tell others what I'm completely thinking, but if they ask I'm going to tell them. Lately, it's been a stress reliever even though at times it increases my anxiety because I don't want to lose people that I care about in the process.

I've lost enough people in my life because of the choices I make, however, I've accepted that losing people is simply a part of life. You're going to make friends and you're going to lose friends that is just the way things are. But along the way, you end up with people that choose to remain in your life, that you sync with and who understand you completely. And I believe that is where I am right now, trying to be complete.

why?

Sometimes, when I feel like I do right now, I want to email her... just to talk and have a conversation. Maybe I seek comfort or just some familiar conversation.

I had another bipolar outburst today at work, I should've known from the moment I left the house that something would happen today. The older I get the more I find it almost hard to control or register my outburst anymore, its like some kind of emotional tick.

Sure, I know it's because something is missing... today... it was because of a topic I wanted to ignore because I knew it'd cause me stress, and so be it... it caused me stress... so I had a bipolar episode because of it... and I'm still having them even now.

There is too much I need to do today to have episodes... too much.