How to Love...

"Love is a living, breathing thing. There is no need to force it to grow in a particular direction. If we start by being easy and gentle with ourselves, we will find it is just there inside of us, solid and healing." - Thich Nhat Hahn

Yesterday evening, I went to a bookstore and purchased a book called "How to Love"... it's a excellent read. I also purchased "Hagakure: Book of the Samurai" because I know deep down I am a warrior or a lost warrior that has lost his way.

But I'm mostly interested in the Thich Nhat Hanh book, because it has meditations and quotes on how to expand our own capacity to love and to understand love. I purchased the book because I sense I've forgotten how to truly and deeply love, and I believe I was drawn to the book so I can learn how to love more with my soul and with more depth & intensity. I know I have issues with Self-Love, and I know I can't learn that from someone else, I sense that this is a journey that I have to embark on alone... because I think I've spent a lot of time in my past seeking love from others and not spending enough time discovering love the right way. That isn't to say that I can't find love in a friendship or relationship, but I do sense that there isn't enough love within myself. And this lack of having a strong love isn't really solid enough to hold someone else up.

Along with the book "The Power of Now", I'm seeking something I haven't felt or discovered about myself. I'm searching for a way to end this inner conflict and struggle... because I do want more in my life. I want to be more balanced in my life, I want more happiness, joy, love, and strength. But the past has left me broken and damaged in so many ways, I've tried to ignore the cracks in my soul, and tried to put bandages on it, but I need to find a way to heal myself.

These last two weeks I haven't rode my bike at all, I've been too drained or distracted to have energy for anything. And I hate that whenever I have an episode I lose time... its like the bipolar episodes just takes all my strength and energy... and I can't do anything else. I truly believe the episodes are the dark and confusing part of my soul, and that it conflicts with the good and driven parts... it all comes from inner conflict in some form. And I know that even now I'm still confused about how to maintain a healthy and positive life. But I have to keep seeking out the wisdom and knowledge that will help guide me. And I know it has to start with LOVE.