There is a lot of self-hatred going on in my life, that dark side takes over when I'm having an episode, and whenever I have one... I seek to destroy all that I love, want, need, and desire. The darkness takes over... and we head in a direction that is comfortable with what we've experienced in the past. At some point in my past, I got use to the pain of being alone, the anguish of being abused physically and emotionally, and the comfort that suicide can bring. No one wants to feel pain, but when an episode takes over, we wrap ourselves up in that pain because it's something from our past that has some level of comfort. Sometimes, I have dreams of being tortured by someone that I'm in love with... and that somehow in the midst of the pain and agony of being tortured I feel loved... it makes no sense rationally or emotionally... but psychologically I feel I'm bad, wrong, and evil... and I need to suffer.
I use to think that my IBS pain was simply a way to make me stronger, but all I ever felt was pain... I felt if I fought my way through the IBS Pain... I'd be stronger. The same goes with school... I've pushed myself harder to be successful, and then at the last minute... I stop... and suffer some personal defeat... because I feel I deserve it. It makes no sense rationally, but on a psychological level... I think I Self-Sabotage everything that is important to me, because the darkness within myself feels that I deserve nothing more than to suffer.
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