Feeding Our Love...

Each of us can learn the art of nourishing happiness and love. Everything needs food to live, even love. If we don't know how to nourish our love, it withers. When we feed and support our own happiness, we are nourshing our ability to love. That's why to love means to learn the art of nourishing our happiness. - Thich Nhat Hanh 

Since I've come across this passage in the book "How to Love" I've been asking myself if I'm nourishing myself enough. And if I'm not nourishing myself enough, if that triggers my episodes. It's a reach, but I'm also desperate to get a handle on my emotions and thoughts. There is too much confusion inside of my head, my emotions just want this and need that... but it's not directed internally at myself.

I think about the days leading up to my explosive episode and I wondered if it I was in the midst of my episode earlier in the week, and if I was having an episode even earlier than this month. Sometimes there is no real way to tell if I'm having an episode or not, I just know that when I'm angry it feels wrong to me... I don't feel like myself, I feel out of sync with the elements around me. All I can see are the extremes, and when I'm doing things at an extreme point that is when I feel like I'm in an episode. I'm trying to figure out what is the real Dorian, or the Bipolar Dorian... but maybe it's the fact that I'm not really nourishing myself right.

Maybe I'm spending a lot of time and energy on the external elements of my life, and not spending enough quality time working on the internal. It's just a thought, but I makes sense at this point that maybe the reason for the inner conflict is a lack of real nourishment... a real drive to work on the things I need weekly in order to maintain my true self. I think this lack of support for my own happiness, causes conflict and confusion in my mind, emotions, and soul. I'm curious about what I need to do to feed myself. It's part of soul-searching, but I'll have to spend a few days thinking on these things, before coming to any real conclusions. But I know what I want, it's just expressing and maintaining it that is hard.