Finding the Path...

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."
- Mahatma Gandhi


I'd like to think that we all want to be true to ourselves, we all want to live happy, meaningful, and purpose driven lives. But often times we get to a cross road in our lives where we are given a choice... go down the road that we are destined to go, or go down another road because we are in fear of what we will become. Others learn in their earlier lives that when they get to that cross road to be true to themselves, while others run.

I ran from myself, because I honestly didn't know myself. I had been running from myself since I was in my mid 20's. I just didn't like the path, it felt lonely and isolated. Up until that point, I didn't really know if my destiny was something I truly believed in.

You have to believe & love yourself, if you do not understand the importance of those aspects you will live a life that you don't recognize. For about a decade, I lived a life that I didn't recognize, I knew I was trapped and lost, but I didn't understand why I was. I knew while I was lost that I didn't love, believe, or understand who I was. I knew as a child that I always wanted to help people, but in my early teens I couldn't reach people, because I didn't understand their internal suffering... maybe I had to... on a subconscious level become lost and trapped myself in order to really grasp the plight of others.

I grew up in a very strict, sheltered, and disciplined environment. I wanted to be like my father he was a Psychologist, but I knew deep within myself that there was no real way I could be like him, if I hadn't gone through the same things he had gone through. I didn't know desperate, I didn't know suffering, I didn't know how it felt to be lost, abandoned, and isolated.

I know now all of these things now, I've dealt with things in my 30's that I truly hadn't experienced at any point or time in my life. And over the course of my 30's I have gained an appreciation for life. I wouldn't have understood any of that if I hadn't suffered. I'd like to think I've suffered enough, but I haven't. I don't think my suffering, pain, or hurt will truly end until I've done what I need to do in order to help and save others. I'm learning to love myself, but truly loving myself... and allowing another to help me feel loved unconditionally... will take time. I need time to grasp what is in front of me, and I need to be able to truly stop punishing myself... that will take time.