Benefiting from my Paranoia.

"You're mind is working at its best when you're being paranoid.
You explore every avenue and possibility of your situation
at high speed with total clarity."
- Banksy, Banging Your Head Against a Brick Wall



It started on Friday, and it was just a feeling that I couldn't shake. I just felt like I was going to get fired, then I thought I was going to die, then I thought someone was going to steal my bike, then I thought I was going to get evicted from my apartment, then I thought about all the reasons people left me, then I thought about why people left me, and then I thought about my bass guitar being stolen, then I stressed out all weekend. But being as paranoid as I was, made me think about my stressors.

Whenever a major event happens in my life, and trust me, there have been a multitude of major events in my life... there is a pattern of behavior that follows. These patterns or cycles as I like to call them, are triggered by a particular event. I had the cycle written out on my home computer, but I won't be able to add it to this particular blog today.

After figuring out all my stressors, and the cycle of madness as I like to call it. I come to a painful conclusion, that I was meant to go through what I've gone through in my past in order to learn about myself, and to love myself more. But I wish there was another way... because I miss the people I've hurt, I'll always miss them. I wish I could kiss and lick the scars away. However, at the same time, I realized that there were certain emotions that I had never felt and seeing that I hadn't felt these emotions before how could I possibly reach and understand others.

There is a lot in my head right now, and I know that changes are occurring in my life, being paranoid this weekend helped me realize so much about myself.

This week, I need to work on my Personal Creed & Personal Manifesto, and I need to edit my Core Values & Boundaries some more. I felt things and thought about things that I sense I need to establish better in writing. But hey, it's all good things though, I'm growing daily, that is progress.