Yesterday, was bad... it was bad because of what people were saying to me, and how I was dealing with it internally. I don't handle compliments very well, mostly because I don't get them anymore. No one tells me that I dress well, look sexy, or that I'm handsome. However, yesterday all of that changed because I had bought a new shirt the previous day and decided to wear it to work. My coworkers (especially the females) have always ignored me a lot at work, it had always played a big role on how I viewed myself as well. I didn't wear attractive clothes and I had gotten really use to just being invisible. Over time, I developed a self-hatred for myself, I didn't like myself on the inside and didn't see anything attractive on the outside. I simply stopped trying to improve myself, I just gave up.
But on yesterday something different happened, I got a new shirt and I started to wear it. In fact, I even dressed better than I have in years. And people took notice of that fact, and complimented me a lot. But I haven't been complimented in years, so my ability to even understand the way people reacted towards me was met with a negative reaction. I just didn't handle it, I internalized it, and just got angry... I'm like... WOW, so you're noticing me now because I went out and got a fucking shirt. I know that could've been an trigger for my bipolar episode on last night. People were jerks to me, even though I'm sure they didn't mean to be that way, but it's how I dealt with it. I don't like who I am, and I have to re-learn all of that. I have to start going shopping again and get new clothes to somehow feel better about myself again. And its going to take a bit of work and time...because change is not easy, and I'm trying to be patient with myself but it's exceptionally hard to do so. I wanted to put my picture on my blog site, but I'm still not comfortable with doing that, just don't like myself all that much. I don't see myself in a very healthy light when I look in the mirror.
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