Afterlife

Some say they feel a warm and soft, while others say they feel a dark and cold. I'd say, I've felt both in my lifetime. And I think there is nothing wrong with hoping that when our lives are extinguished that we will end up in a place whether its warm and gentle.. but sometimes our actions in our lifetime can carry with it unintended consequences, and we're left with the remnants of wishing or even hoping that things can be different.

I don't know which different outcome there could be, I think I'd prefer a place that is indescribable and without pain or regret. A place where I can feel safe, secure, and loved... this world is too damn loud, violent, and filled with anguish. I'd like to forget the pain I've caused others, but I'd also like to find a way to forgive myself for the pain that I've inflicted upon myself.

Sometimes, I think I belong in hell for the pain I've caused others... punished without rest or relief, that every scream that is pulled from my soul is one step closer to redemption. Maybe there is no such thing as redemption, maybe I don't deserve it... but I can hope.

It's not bedtime yet, it's only 8:00pm... but I'm starting to feel anxiety, that overwhelming feeling that I'll have another sleepless night in which I'm tormented and punished for my past deeds. I felt hopeful today though, maybe it was a glimmer towards something different elemental.

I know I'm morbid right now, I don't expect that this will last, but I have to get it out of myself... because I've carried around this weight for too long in my being.