Yesterday wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either. I'm still trying to find a psychologist who can help me with my erratic behavior and mental issues. I hate being mentally ill, I just fucking hate it.
I don't like the way it makes me feel, or the things I think about. On Tuesday, I just struggle to stop thinking about suicide... and I hate that suicide is just an illogical thought. It doesn't make me feel good about myself, I just feel so hopeless and alone. Like, I want to think I can talk to anyone about my dark thoughts, but I never do... and whenever I talk to my wife about it... I just get the impression that it just makes her very sad.
But I'm just taking things one hour and day at time. I'm keeping to myself more and more... I don't laugh much anymore, because I feel I'll lose control and focus too long on the wrong things.
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