Dear Dorian,
During the final week of February, I felt isolated and trapped by own mental illness. This feeling of isolation and hopelessness went to a heightened level over the weekend because even though I slowly felt myself getting better it was a facade or an illusion. My coworker Sal didn't help on Thursday because he hinted that I would be next to take my life. And even though my wife was PMsing while also sick, she contributed to me feeling trapped by saying that Saturday's were established as "Our" day... or couple day... since she said that we don't ever get to spend the entire day together. I'm not really understanding in that area, because working is simply part of growing together. I don't have many friends or even many outlets for myself. Maybe I contributed to this period of self-isolation... but on the other hand... I couldn't really see how she was feeling. My feelings for myself and my marriage with Lisa remains uncertain right now. I don't trust her to be there for me when I'm unaware of my choices or decisions. Do I want to stay married, I honestly don't know. Do I think I can be closer to her... I don't know. I don't feel loved or happy anymore, I feel trapped as if I'm being suffocated.
Over the weekend, I started to lift weights again... mostly because I know it can help myself bipolar episodes. Iron doesn't lie... it helps give my body and mind something to focus on, whenever I'm being crazy mentally and mood wise. Tonight, I'm going to go back to playing my Bass Guitar, just to give me a creative outlet. I tried sleeping in the bed last night with Lisa, but I didn't want to really be there. And now as the day is winding down, I'm slowly beginning to feel a quiet anxiety in my body... as if I'm scared or worried that something bad will happen when I get home.
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