Often times when elements in our lives are unclear, uncertain, and indefinable we have to simply put ourselves into a foreign and uncomfortable position. People in my life are often times so predictable because I know even before I make a decision how they will react to the choices I make. And whenever I try to explain my situation, I still have to deal with the resistance of their views and opinions because they are unable to understand what I'm trying to do or say. But I realized that it wasn't that they weren't unable to understand, they were just unwilling to accept it and adapt to it. Adapting to changes is agonizing, because you're not comfortable with the change and you're not really given time to adjust to changes around you... you are just forced to act.
As 2011 is coming to a close, I'm reminded about the choices I've made this year and the many challenges I've had to manage head on. I really didn't have the luxury to be on the fence, I had to make a decision and stand behind it no matter how gut wrenching and painful it was. I can't discuss everything with people, because people inject their opinions and views too much. People often times think they need to know my side of things and how I feel about the situation. And sometimes people will even go as far as to think I'm oblivious to how they feel about the choices I make. I'm very much aware of the aftermath and outcome of my choices on the people I love, but I'm also doing what is best to protect them in my own way, even if that means betraying their trust.
My eyes have been open since August, and I knew in October that I couldn't keep doing things the same way anymore. I can't get comfortable again and just allow life to silently go by, I have to grab life by the shoulders and embrace all of it. Embrace the agonizing pain, and endure it in silence if need be. If you want something in this world, you have to decide what are you willing to give up in order attain it. You can't be on the fence all the time, sometimes you have to put aside all your fears, doubts, and concerns... and just DO IT. Remember... you told me to "JUST DO IT". So I'm doing it... but you also misunderstand my choices and don't really grasp what I'm trying to do. And I'm not going to explain it to you just so you can try and think about it logically.
When this year is over with, I won't look back with regret... nor will I look back in guilt for all the lying, cheating, and misdeeds I've done in order to survive the darkness. I've had to create a world that is filled with choices that have hidden the truth within the truth. What I tell people isn't always the truth, and it isn't always a lie... often times I simply tell people what they want to hear because the truth is never something they are willing to accept or find out for themselves. Remember, people are always governed by their own fears, doubts, and deep-seeded emotions.
So the only question you should be asking yourself is this... did I do what I did to hurt you or did I do what I did to protect you?
