Maybe its the 20th of December that has caused it, but I'm having a really hard time holding in my emotions... the days keep coming closer to Christmas. And reality is starting to sink in that I'll be alone for Christmas this year, hell... its like being punched in the gut type feeling. I'm just trying not to start bawling at my desk, because its Christmas and I'm really alone for the holidays. I've not felt anything for all the other holidays this year, and I have yet to really feel close to anyone. It's not a negative feeling, its just a sadness, an increased overwhelming sadness that is starting to hit me.
I know that is why I was drinking so I wouldn't feel anything, and now that I've stopped drinking I feel like I'm slowly falling apart again and that I can't keep it together. I want to blame someone but I have no one to blame but myself... I thought Christmas Music was supposed to make me smile but it just makes me realize how I won't be spending Christmas where I want to spend it. I was thinking how much it would cost for a last minute flight, but realized that even if i could spend the money... I wouldn't dare do it because then I'd be right back where I was at the beginning of 2011. It really sucks, I want things to be better in 2012... I don't want to feel like this ever again... and I don't want to use Whiskey in order to not feel. Even though, right now... it would help so I don't have to feel my own feelings.
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