Limbo

"True love is made of four elements: loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity. In Sanskit, these are, maitri, karuna, mudita, and upekska. If your love contains these elements, it will be healing and transforming, and it will have the element of holiness in it. True love has the power to heal and transform any situation and bring deep meaning to our lives." - Thich Nhat Hanh

I'm in a state of limbo right now, both emotionally and mentally. I'm very much aware of what I want and need to do in my life, but at the same time... I'm back to looking at the elements of my present life. I'm walking the walls of my life again, studying for breaks, cracks, and vulnerabilities. Even though, I'm no longer having bad episodes, I'm still concerned they can come back unexpectedly and maybe at a time when I feel like things are going better in my life. It's also a time of recovery, healing, and preparation because I sense I should never drop my guard or think things will never become bad again. I'm not protecting my love, heart, or passions... because that area has not been nourished enough.

In looking back at my Core Values and Goals... there are aspects that don't really deal with acceptance and understanding the elements that make me who I am and what I still want to become. I sense that a lot of inner conflict that rages within me is due to a lack of true acceptance, focus, and discipline. I don't like routines, but not all routines have to be so strict that it makes me ill, some of my past routines weren't balanced enough which means that often times I would fluctuate between extremes which would trigger my episodes. In some ways, I need to find a way to balance both the positive and negative energy that flows within me, trying to simply keep everything positive doesn't work because eventually the negative wants an outlet as well. This deals directly with acceptance and discipline, because if I can create the kind of daily living that is healthy for me, it can help protect myself from the frequency of episodes.