Up and Down...

It's ironic how I want to help people, but whenever I'm having episodes I'm unable to help myself. My mood keeps going from one extreme to another. I have no idea why I'm at work, except out of loyalty to my duty. I sometimes, think that if I don't go to work, I'll put the whole department into chaos and that cause the entire staff to be in disarray.

I woke up feeling extremely drained of all my energy, all I want to do is sleep. Since Friday, that is all I want to do is sleep... and hug my pillow. But then again, I'll feel like I wasted a complete day because I'm not myself.

I just want it to end... I hate being this way... I hate the episodes, and I just want to be normal. I often wonder how many past decisions I've made while in the midst of an episode. I don't even know how long my episodes last sometimes, I know right now... I'm still having them... so this would be the 2nd week of a continuous episode. I just want to be somewhere else, I want to be normal. But then again, what is normal?

I don't like to lean on people at all anymore, I just want to run and hide... and deal with this insanity or madness on my own. I use to dream about living on an island alone and isolated from everyone, so no one has to deal with me. And I don't have to worry about hurting people that care about me. Nor do I have to worry about hurting myself in the process.

Eh... I'll try to make it through the day... but I'm just so tired of it all. I really am...