Striving Towards

I really wish people would stop calling me a liar or saying I wasn't going to do it. Sure, in the past I wasn't very reliable and my word was not my bond. On somethings I was reliable but on a lot of things I simply didn't take the risk or chance to make things happen. In this case, I'm talking about work and my coworkers. People can't let go of the past things I've done, and I shouldn't expect that of people either. I do however, think people should at least give me a chance to prove them wrong, but that takes time and work on my part. It's beyond frustrating though, I can't change how people see me, even if I wish for that. I can't ask for a 2nd or even 3rd chance because all people can see are my past mistakes. Those mistakes carry a lot of weight on my shoulders these days, and I'm going uphill as well.

I'm slowly starting to realize that I can't change people's opinions of me. I've done too much shit that can't be erased with good deeds or words. I either have to move onto new surroundings or just be patient with people. It's the same when I have a bipolar episode, the things I say can cut so deeply that they leave scars. And I can see those scars everytime I see or talk to a person... I can sense the pain, the hurt, and the distrust. And even though I can say I'm sorry and believe it in my heart. People have to be able to see that I've changed on their own, that isn't something I can force on them. I have to do what I can on my own terms and time to find some level of atonement or repentance.

I know longer feel flawed or wrong, I just feel lonely in a big world. That deep loneliness I believe will remain for quite sometime until I can find inner peace & real happiness. Because I'm not happy, yes, I have productive days and that productivity helps me to continue moving forward to better elements in my life. But I need some serious time to fix my soul... I'm still very deeply conflicted within. But conflict isn't bad as long as I don't allow it to consume me. And I refuse to let that happen, but I need to be patient with myself, just like I need to be patient with others. This week it's been about starting a new journey towards re-building or even re-inventing myself. Or I'll take it even further, towards Real Self-Discovery.

There were few times this week that I didn't feel alone, but to be honest I wrapped myself up in some thoughts that gave me some comfort, they weren't real though since it was something couldn't actually touch. And the crazy aspect is that as soon as I let those thoughts go, I started to feel alone again. But that is a good thing, because it told me that I can't create a false image or emotion, it has to be a deeply intense result based on something I've done or experienced... which goes back to my earlier blog about riding my bike. It was only after this morning's ride that I felt those intense emotions, and it felt damn good... I miss it. And that sensation is something I have to strive towards, I'm thinking what if I could feel that way everyday through other experiences... if that would help me find inner peace & happiness. But I need to read up on what true inner peace and happiness is... which is on my to-do-list.