Promises

"Sometimes people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them." ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

I don't like making promises, it's not because I'm going to break them. It's because whenever I promised myself something in the past, I failed to keep it because I didn't believe in myself enough. I've been trying to convey that aspect for a few weeks now, but I'm being misunderstood. And whenever people misunderstand me, I feel they don't really see me. Yes, I want to share myself with many people in this world, but I can't share anything if I'm empty inside.

I felt so empty and drained yesterday, especially when I tried to explain what I need to do. I'm trying to build a foundation so I can stand stronger and firmer, so I can become the kind of person that a woman can hold onto and know she will be safe; and that others can look up to and know I'm better. I don't want someone to lean on me and sink with me, because that would be a miserable life to live. I want people to look at me and become inspired and say... if he did I can do it. But how can I give that to someone if I don't believe in it myself. How can someone possibly love me, if I don't even love myself.

I want to fight, but I don't want to be afraid to fall or get hit. I don't want to feel torn like I have to choose between myself and others. And I don't want people fearing they are going to lose me because there are things I have to do in order to become stronger for myself and them. It's like I'm screaming to them, I need to do these things so I'll be able to give you what you need & want... but they aren't getting it. It's like there is this constant need for reassurance that I'm not going anywhere. Even when I went back to church, people I haven't seen in months... were saying to me... Why did you delete me off Facebook, and I'm like... I deleted myself because I needed to get lost and heal. Some said they missed me, others said they were glad to see me. But I'm not the same guy I was in the past, I'm working everyday to become self-motivated and focused.

Of course that means, making more selfish & personal decisions about where I want to go in my life. But I don't want to be misunderstood and I'm not some wounded warrior. I'm trying to fight for the right to LIVE HAPPY.