Responsible Regret

I admit, that sometimes I really regret making responsible choices. And I mostly regret it because I wish I could go back in the past and change a decision that might have made my future plans different. It's 4:22am and I'm just so pissed off that I missed it, and I really hate myself for missing that party. But I want to believe that I made the right choice, I want to believe that with everything that I realized from my choice that I made the right decision.

And yet, my mind tells me that I did make the right decision based on the facts, but my feelings just keep nagging at me... been trying to sleep for the last 6 hrs and I can't silence the conflicted regrets pushing at me. I look through the posted pictures on facebook, and I scream at myself for missing it and not being in those pictures. I cuss myself out in the mirror because in spite of it all, I made the right call and I have to live with my decision. I hurt, I cry, and I just end up slamming my fist into my pillow wishing... I could've been there.

Yet at the same time, I'm reminded of what my dad told me... "I wonder if you're going to put your foot down and start making some responsible choices with your money." But I can't help how I feel, I can't silence the anger and rage that is coursing through my very heart. I want to yell so badly, but all that would do is wake my neighbors, and a part of me wants to cut my arms or thighs so badly so I could release the pain and regret that I have to somehow live with. But I can't help how I feel, I can't seem to move past it.

I feel so lonely and sad, I wish I could have a hug or hear someone say to me, I didn't make the wrong decision even if it was the responsible and right choice. And if it was the right decision, why do I feel so wretched and torn up inside...?