Too much Confusion...

"Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't."
- Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness


I'm losing time again, and I can only wonder what I'll be like when I go back to school. It was on Monday, that I decided to reactivate my Facebook page. And I thought it would help me feel better or some sense of normalcy but it didn't, I saw things that made me feel horrible, jealous, and wretched inside. I only spent about 15 minutes on the site, but I guess it only takes a few minutes to make you feel negativity again. But going back on Facebook made me wonder if I'm making the best decision regarding going back to school. If and when I go back to school will it help me feel better, or make me feel worse. I remember once I dropped out of school because my episodes were getting so bad that I couldn't concentrate on my studies, everything felt so far and out of control for me.

It's been 2 weeks so far, and I wonder for how much longer I'm going to stay in this dark mind-frame. This morning when I woke up, I felt so drained and exhausted. Even when I tried to sleep last night, I just tossed and turned, I couldn't get comfortable. My thoughts kept going all over the place, I felt lonely, dreadful, and hated. And I questioned if I'm making the best choices in my life right now, and I think they are good, people tell me they are good choices... but it feels all wrong to me. I feel like I'm making bigger mistakes that will cause me nothing but pain and anguish. I feel bad, evil, wrong, and unattractive... like why would anyone want to be with me, or even care about me. What is it that those people see, that I don't see... why do I see extreme hatred for myself. I even started to think that going back to school would result in more failure, more disappointment.

Last night, I just sat on the couch watching Sons of Anarchy... I like that show... but as I watched it, I questioned all my choices and decisions this year, I felt trapped again... I feel trapped... and I know I'm trapped. But I don't know how to stop feeling that way and get out. How do I know when I'm making the right choices, how do I know when I'm making the wrong choices. Do I go based on the reactions of others? Do I go based on how I use to feel about things? I don't trust my feelings right now. Because I felt so strongly about school, and now I question it. So I don't know, maybe I need to spend more time talking to people about my decision making, so I'll know if I'm taking the right course of action. Because right now, everything feels so wrong within.