Stop Running... Please?

"You learned to run from what you feel, and that's why you have nightmares. To deny is to invite madness. To accept is to control."― Megan Chance, The Spiritualist


So yeah, it's been a reflective week & weekend. Even while sick with the flu my mind is constantly asking questions and seeking answers. But I often times ask impossible questions, while at the same time looking for impossible answers. It can also be related to being bipolar, having all these racing thoughts. And I always ask bad questions and think the wrong kind of things. I have to stop asking people questions, especially if these questions can cause them pain or disappointment. I need to be strong within myself and be able to seek out the answers myself.

After coming back from the bank, I remembered this conversation I had with an ex-girlfriend of mine back in 2002. She had just finished dumping me, and told me that "When you find yourself, find me." It would be seven years (2008) before we talked again, but we never could be more than friends, it was strictly friendship and has since moved to me seen as family. I'm also Godfather to her daughter, which I think is awesome.

I often wondered if too much time had gone by, or was it that I just hadn't changed any since 2001, or as she said one time while at the Fair. "You still refuse to face yourself." As if telling me that I was still unwilling to be myself. And I'll admit even back then I was, I always have been afraid to be myself. I tried for a few years to be myself, it was a very lonely and isolated time of my life, but I had accomplished a great deal. And then sometime in 2009, I just went back to running away from myself.

I no longer care for the reasons as to why I ran away, all I care about now is reminding myself that I have to be true to myself always. I thought the past, might be able to provide me with some answers as to why I keep running. But it didn't, it just told me that I need to stop running. I need to stand my ground and deal with things better. Learn to be happy being me, and just stay focused daily on continuing to grow. I know, I can be extremely impatient, and I hate waiting especially since it's obviously a big bad habit of mine. RUNNING!!!