Slight Agitation

I don't understand myself sometimes, I know that bike commuting helps my moods, and I also know that it helps keep my episodes in check. But I also don't understand why its a requirement, and why when I don't do it it has such a profound effect on me. I don't care what the weather is outside, I feel with such strong intensity that I should be out there.

Physical Activity is a daily habit that can drastically effect my entire outlook for the day. Whenever I don't ride my bike, I feel so worthless and lazy. In fact, I feel very lazy right now, because I end up sitting at my desk for hours. I know that during lunch, I'll be able to go home and ride my bike to work, but I can't shake how I see myself when I don't ride my bike. And I don't want another episode... and I'm agitated that I will have one.

Having an episode to me, means pain, hurt, anger, and fear... it means feeling emotions that do harm to me & others. It's always below the surface, almost like an annoyance nagging for attention to come out and play. It's also when I feel so lonely, so alone... and I don't like that feeling. It's such a clusterfuck of emotions and thoughts... it's like I want to hurt myself and others all at the same time. It's like I want to rage out and destroy things. And then be hugged afterwards... that's confusing as fuck.

I'm at work, and I don't want to be... I need to RIDE.