Inner Conflict

"To understand inner conflict, let’s consider the plight of people who are, to a chronic degree, moody or mildly depressed. Such individuals frequently harbor feelings of being disrespected or seen in a negative light. Often they’re having relationship problems. Their inner conflict produces this impasse: consciously, they wish to be admired and respected, but unconsciously they are attached to (and prepared and even compelled to experience) feelings of being seen in a negative light, as an unworthy person undeserving of respect. Unless this conflict is resolved, such individuals are very likely to continue to be troubled."
http://www.whywesuffer.com/how-to-recognize-good-psychotherapy/#more-1643


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I've been in the midst of a nightmare these last couple of days... I'm stuck within myself, trying to keep my thoughts and feelings in control. Sometimes, I feel like I'm able to do so, and others I feel like I'm being sucked back into the endless abyss. I have to talk to myself a lot though, I have to convince myself that all is not lost and that there is a way out.

I want to live and be happy again, but this conflict within myself still remains. The suffering is endless, I haven't smiled since last Wednesday. Last night, while I was at home, I started to think about last Wednesday and how I was so happy because I had rode my bike 55 miles in 3 days. I was on a really good high at that point, because I felt like I had accomplished something. But obviously something happened between Wednesday Night and Thursday... so I decided to look back at things. I had been focused so much on external influences that I didn't recognize if there were internal influences that were causing problems for me.

There will always be external influences, I mean unless I'm living as a recluse on an island somewhere. External influences will always be around me, and they will continuously affect how I process information, feelings, and sensations. Even if I think the things people say or do to me don't affect me, they do have an impact on me. I guess for a long time, I simply ignored the impact the external influences have on me, maybe I didn't want to think about the problems it caused... or conflict within. But when we lie to ourselves, our subconsciousness takes the brunt of it. If we aren't true to ourselves, then we ignore the pain, hurt, and agony that is building up. I'd like to say I'm not surprised, but I am... I had no idea over the years that this inner conflict was even there.

But while I was watching Daredevil on Netflix last night, a light switch turned on, during a conversation between Madame Gao and Wilson Fisk... about how you can't be a savior and oppressor, or the light or the shadow... you have to be one or the other. And if you don't choose, fate will choose for you.

In relation to me, I guess, I still wasn't being honest with myself. I  want to be the Lion and the Sheep... I want to be the Leader and the Follower. I want to work in EDI and be a Psychologist. But this is just wanting to somehow be normal like everyone else... wanting to be in multiple places and capable of doing multiple things. I can't do multiple things, I have to focus on the elements that will get me to where I need to be. And I can't be like everyone else, I have to be who I am and what I am. It's about growing up, maturity, and recognizing the path that we have to take. Of course, it's lonely, scary, and at times filled within internal conflicts. But we have to make a decision, we have to decide what is most important. I have to be brave and stand for what I want. I can't be pulled in different directions or I'll never be where I want to be.

I understand a lot now, I understand that I have to end this inner conflict and find a resolution to it. It may take weeks, months, maybe even a few years... but I'm willing to do it. Because I've seen what inner conflict can do, I've seen how being untrue to myself can cause, and I know that not loving myself for who I am can bring true unhappiness.