The Four Questions...

On Sunday, I spent most of the day asking myself four questions (see below).

• Why did I stop loving myself?
• Have I ever loved myself?
• When did I feel and think I wasn't good enough?
• Why did I settle for second best?

At first, I wanted to know the answer to these questions simply out of curiosity, but the more I assessed my past the more I cringed when I found out the answers. Then I wanted to lie to myself and tell myself its not fucking true... and that I'm delusional and that it can't be true. And then I wanted to drink some whiskey so I could try to forget what I had discovered. But I didn't want to drink, and I knew I couldn't run from it. But at the same time, I didn't know if I was truly ready to face the reality of it all.

My past is documented, I've always kept a list of events that have occurred in my life since I was 18. Just like I keep a record of past conversations I have with people, its sometimes hard for me to remember everything. So, I started this list sometime in 2004, because I knew that somethings I had to learn to let go or forget. I don't want to live in the past, but I don't want to forget the lessons the past can teach me. And even though it was extremely hurtful, painful, and agonizing to realize certain aspects of my life. I can't regret the documenting of the list that I had. Because if I didn't have the list, I don't know how I'd be able to move forward with really living and being happy.

The questions I asked opened my eyes to a series of patterns in my life, and even though I initially believed these events started around 2009/2010... it started earlier in 2002. The specific dates are irrelevant, but the events during that particular year had a profound effect on my ability to love myself. I didn't just lose connections with people, I lost material elements that made me question my worth. The effects were wide and extremely emotional... in the areas of music, personality, friendships, career, education, self-esteem, self-worth, etc. I'd even go as far as to say, an infection started to grow within my soul. I even found some old poems that I wrote in 2002, and how the anguish that I felt was so soul-destroying and wide spread.

I didn't just lose years, I lost a decade... I lost 13 years.

There is nothing I can do or say to change anything from my past. I'll have to accept the lost of time and love. I lost a decade, sure there were good memories that I will always cherish, but the majority was spent heading in the wrong direction and living days with the wrong intentions and state of being.

I wanted to talk about establishing clarity in my life so I wouldn't be misunderstood so much, but there is no real way to avoid being misunderstood, unless I'm able to find some serious clarity and purpose in my life. I'm not sure where to go from here, but based on how I feel this morning, I need to take some time caring for myself more. Not really healing, but learning to take care of myself.