The Internal Struggle

It's the worse feeling in the world being misunderstood and making right decisions, especially when you're far from your family and friends who do try to understand how you feel and the decisions you make. I've always tried my best to explain things to people and often times I hope they don't take things the wrong way or get confused by what I'm saying... but whenever they do become misunderstood... I can't help how my heart feels and aches. I work and go home, and I'm alone until I have to go to work again the next day... its a pattern that I've had to learn to adjust to since I moved closer to my job. Making friends or people you can confide in isn't easy, and I don't necessarily have the funds to drive the distance that I want to be heard and feel understood; so I've taken up drinking Whiskey & Vodka to cope with the emotional and physical isolation I feel. I don't drink to get drunk; I simply drink to ignore the struggle and depression within myself.

Everyday, I feel like the walls at work and home is closing in around me, and then when I search my feelings I feel my heart aching in pain. I honestly don't know how to express what I feel anymore, I work hard not to get angry or frustrated with myself or the people I talk to. Sometimes, at work... I'm a bit lively and can get frustrated very easily. Even when I get home, the first thing I think about is having a drink so I can deal with the eerie silence of my room. Often times, I'll look at pictures and imagine being somewhere else with someone else... instead I spend time with myself looking at myself in the mirror. Sometimes, I even find myself talking to myself because I don't really want to leave the house and talk to people who don't really want to listen to me... so I keep silent. Although, I know people feel concerned about me, I don't want anyone's pity, nor do I want anyone else to feel sorry for me. I can accept the choices I have made in my life, but I don't accept that I'm a victim of my circumstances. I'm simply looking for a way to overcome my own feelings and depression. I'll get through someday, but tonight won't be it.