Sudden Episode

Last night I had another episode... I lashed out at my wife and I know I hurt her feelings again. I understand and know why I had an episode, but I refuse to even discuss that reason on this blog site. I just know that I have to get rid of things so that one vice is no longer influencing me. It sucks because I really enjoy the vice a lot, just relaxes me, allows me to be naughty for a bit... but whatever... better to be rid of it so it no longer has me dealing with the consequences of behaviors or decisions... plus maybe I won't have to experience the guilt any longer.

Destroyed!

It's Friday, and I just got destroyed. People at my job no longer talk to me, they talk at me, they look at me with an arrogant and proud look. Make judgements that aren't true, and in the process destroy whatever confidence that is keep me whole and straight for the day.

UGH... I have truly hated today.

Random Thoughts

I keep passing out when I get home from work, last night I went to sleep at 6pm and didn't wake up until 5am this morning. Not sure if its because of my meds or even I really am just tired. Either way, I'm still very quiet when I'm at work which is fine, I don't need to be hyper or depressed... I just want to be balanced.

Maintaining the balance aspect isn't hard, but I had to stop again and re-think my daily routine. I'm not even calling it a routine anymore, I'm calling it a structured life... and including all the elements that can help keep my bipolar episodes in check. Even with my meds, it's still possible to have episodes. It's still possible for me to break my sobriety and fall off the wagon. Everyday is truly a challenge and sometimes it's just flat out difficult. Even writing in my blog is part of keeping myself healthy... it's just a way to vent or something.